This is an old essay I submitted on my college apps. I am once again venturing off into the unknown but I've realized that I have lost sight of the destination while trying to create my own path in the bushes. I must backtrack and reevaluate, maybe learn how to use a compass, but I still refuse to take the easy way and take the weather beaten path that so many have tread, that has been mapped. My epiphany, I am going to be a curator.

The first words written in my journal for Outward Bound are "Even my posture has changed."

We ran into a gorge on the side of the cliff two times and found steep plummets so we backtracked for another forty minutes. Now I’m sitting under my tarp on slanted boulders, ankles burning, reflecting on the mileage of growth.

Life before the summer of 2006 wasn’t bad. I had friends, great parents and an excellent academic career. So charmed by adventurous and romantic books, I desired more than my linear life had to offer. Reading Thoreau’s words, "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived," prompted me to pop my peripheral bubble and experience what I could from the world. Although the promise of adventure drew me in, the main thing about OB that hooked me was the idea that I could go out into nature to find out what I'm all about. I realized the best thing to do was to escape my environment and the expectations that so often stifle life and allow my character to blossom in its entirety. This meant starting from square one, reevaluating myself. Before Outward Bound, I would have described myself as the omnipotent. I was a bystander; I became involved with the hardships and lives of others yet never revealing anything about myself. I stood hopelessly alone in a sea of friends, confiding in no one.

My trust found roots in the soil of Sierra Nevada. I made lifetime bonds with complete strangers. It was pivotal in my experience that I asked for help to put on my pack because somehow in my struggle with identity, I found peace within the magical forests of the centaurs. I admitted I was the weakest link, something I rarely did in life at home, rarely had to deal with, and I wasn’t ashamed. Before I might have just suffered it alone, in silence and hated myself, but I found that the strength I could contribute was in elocution and understanding.

Although weak in backpacking, I found my niche in rock climbing. I conquered peaks and scrambled up mountains like a mountain goat. From the top of Mt. Silliman, 11,188 ft, I saw the world from another perspective. I had been blinded by buildings, and shaded by trees and now viewing the panoramic landscape, I marveled at it. For the first time, I was an optimist. Somehow hiking ninety-seven miles carrying a forty-five lb pack didn’t break my back, rather it gave me a spine. My body begged me and my eyes saw little but the ground to be tread by my feet, but my calves felt like petrified wood and I have something soap can’t wash away; the fact that I did it. This is the hope I bring to the future: in venturing off into the unknown, there becomes a vast expanse of unlimited possibility. And perhaps one day my works will be read with the same sentiment as Thoreau.

Someone: Anyone who changes the world first has to be crazy enough to think they can change the world. I may be arrogant beyond belief, at least to you, but without that 'flaw' I would never have the drive to do what I do now and hopefully will do in the future. People who lead, makes decisions for others; within this seemingly simple statement is a predicate that, the person who leads needs to think his decisions are better then anyone he leads.

Leadership, drive, and ambition all rely on a terribly exaggerated self-confidence. A leader paralyzed because he doesn't think his decisions are correct. A woman scared to try something because she doesn't think she's good enough... Arrogance has it's place, namely, it's better then the alternative.

There's a reason I'm bothering with this lecture. That reason is, I think you lack confidence. I see it in the painfully practiced smile in your pictures, or the carefully turned leg in the 'model' pose. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong, and the things you do to express confidence are really just expressing confidence, and not hiding insecurity. Either way these words can do naught but help: you're a bright girl, surprisingly so, young and inexperienced but time will fix that. You don't need others to validate who you are, ever. Spend less time trolling for compliments and more time improving yourself, and the day will come when the first descriptor people use for you isn't 'cute'.

I'm not writing this to hit on you, I have a girl and I'm leaving in 20 days for SF, and I'm not saying this to be mean, or even pick a fight... I'm bothering with this because I see in you a potential for greatness. Continue embracing mediocrity or strive for greatness, your call.

-Someone arrogant enough to give unwanted and unasked for advice about how to live your life.

Me:Someone,

I never said your arrogance was a bad quality, I rather enjoy it. But I'm slightly insulted that you took the time to write this piece of advice to me. I do not strive to put on a smile or well practiced model pose to elicit shallow compliments soley to validate who I am. I just enjoy being beautiful. :] Don't you think I know that the first descriptor people use for me is 'cute, good looking' but surely not intelligent with great ambitions? I get it all the damn time. "Wow, I'm actually very surprised you're intelligent, " "surprisingly so." I've come to terms with it. Unlike you, it doesn't bother me that the first descriptor people use for me isn't 'intelligent, smart, wise.' I don't have a need to prove to people how smart I am, but you always put in the extra effort to prove, to validate yourself with some bit of information you have gained in your intellectual pursuits. Although you have at least acknowledged that I am a bright girl that will mature with experience in due time in this insulting lecture, please just believe me when I say that I am not as shallow as you think I am and not arrogant enough to think that everyone is lusting after me. Just arrogant enough to know that they would lust after me if I put in the effort. You should maybe consider I try to play coy with my intelligence to my advantage.

-Someone who could be a courtesan (Women who used to basically possess more knowledge than high-status wives in Italy, had intelligent conversations about art and such with men, and then put out).

I am not ashamed of my ability to cock a model posed leg. I am proud I've mastered it.

Someone:I figured there was a pretty good chance that the message would insult you, but opted for it anyway, as the possible gained seemed to outweigh anything deleterious. I.e. the worst that could happen is you being angry at me and, no offense, but it wouldn't keep me up at night =P.

I rather like this side of you, it's far more mature, and delightfully sinister. My advice about changing the first adjective is simply for the benefit of your future relationships, both friendships and otherwise. You will be overlooked, and mostly ignored, by a great many good people who would otherwise serve well as friends. There's something to be said for filtering out those who filter you out, but I think losing this particular spectrum of people would make life rather boring. You may prove yourself to those who stick around, but most won't. To have the dubious honor of quoting my own honesty box message to you, "...When I first saw you I wrote you off as just another Asian, cute, freshmen girl and, accordingly, ignored you...". Of course your choices are your own as far as your presentation to others but consider this: do those that you play coy with to gain an advantage, require this advantage? Namely, are you sacrificing some of your ability to interact with difficult people for the sake of making it easier to interact with those who are already easy to interact with? My personal argument is, if I acted less arrogant and less intelligent I would have a much easier time picking up on dumb girls and fit in much better with dumber guys. But why would I need help picking up on dumb girls, when it's already a fairly straightforward affair? When you present yourself as you do, you alienate helpful people and attract unhelpful ones.

I realize I've gone once again into lecture mode... you must understand it's not so much a function of your age as it is a function of me being the son of a Professor. That, and me being positively delighted at the amount of potential you have =). I'm not saying you shouldn't be proud of your looks, all I'm saying is that people tend to become like their most heavily used masks, and that this should be a frightful thing for you. Not to say that being the cute girl with surprising depth isn't admirable for most, but that archetype losses it's luster when you have the potential for more.



I've gotten "Wow, I'm surprised you're smart" so many times since I've been in college. Why do I ellicit this type of response? I have really good grades, I'm in the honor society but yet is it my physical appearance that leads people to believe that I'm a dumb betch, skank ass ho? Is it my demeanor, my carriage? I met this firefighter at the club and he was asked me a couple days later if I really went to ucla...because I didn't seem the type? There's a difference between my nightlife and daylife of course but is it really fair to assume someone is incapable of being intelligent if they dress a certain way, act a certain way in a club? at a party? It suited the scene and time! Because I put in effort to look nice, to cock a model pose or whatever does not mean I am insecure and am soliciting for compliments to validate myself! This is like the first time I've heard this from anyone in a long time and its scary because he's older with way more experience. Am I really just a scared bambina? Do I have potential I am wasting?

What am I supposed to do, even when I don on dress pants, a dress shirt and glasses I ellicit responses of the perverted nature. Is it really my fault, is my aura oozing with one dimensional sluttiness?



^Is that the image people always see? A crazy out of control betch?^ Well FU if I can't run around in my underwear, dance in cages and do w/e the fuck I want at parties and still not be FULLY capable of dually pursuing intellectual interests such as going to the museum, reading and actually having a BRAIN!

I was staring at myself in the mirror, fixing my makeup, fiddling with my hair and I heard people talking outside in the laundry room about Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo and Donatello. I got super excited and rushed out, hoping I would get to clear up any questions my peers had about the masters of the High Renaissance and upon approaching the crowd... I realized they were discussing which weapons each of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle used.

I used to LOVE the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to the point where I remember specifically picking out a bright, lime green helmet with a purple mask embodying Donatello of the Turtles at Toy R' Us. I also recall being made fun of by the boys of the neighborhood for riding around my pink bike with it. I can't quite pinpoint when I stopped watching the show, but I was sure deterred from wearing that helmet since. Boys ruin everything. Anyway, my interest in Michaelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo and Donatello have strictly been transferred to the artists in the present and when I realized they were not talking about my beloved masters, I giggled at myself, I scoffed, and then I was disheartened.